6:17am 4/14/21
i hate when i have dreams like this. lasted for what felt like hours, but was likely only minutes to me waking up. Extreme detail, and not filled with anger but just my feeling of pure depression and knowing exactly how something is without it being said. Trying to be a good person and just feeling resentment. I dont know why my subconscious will give me these dreams nowadays when what i dreamed ab are things that i really think of much anymore. I torture myself in my waking hours unintentionally and even in sleep i dont get a break. God im so upset right now. Havent had a dream in a long ass time, and the first dream i have is this shit while im in this mental state. Man im just so fucking upset im not even depressed ab the dream im just annoyed and minorly sad like wow is this my outlook now? Sometimes i just feel so stoic and jaded. To be fair, i have been told that i am both and that my levels of trust are very low. Ive noticed that i dont talk alot when meeting new people bc i hyper analyze them. I was told by the last person i met i seemed extremely closed off and quiet, or possibly even annoyed at them being near me. Which i wasnt per say, its just the fact my resting face is an angry one. Now as much as i have toned down my anger in life, (and turned it into acceptance on the way some things are) i still have alot of disgust and anger in my soul about many things that i am trying to work through so i can be more content in life. I really wish i was able to trust people as it would be so much easier. Im not going to go into any level of detail about the dreams subject as it is broad and im not trying to talk ab what it may mean bc i dont have the time to analyze. I woke up before my alarm because of this shit, and that is annoying. But at least i was supposed to get up early for a sales call. Whatever.
People as a whole make me sick i just have no faith left in anyone it sucks. I wish everyone the best of health but god i really wish people could learn how to not demonize one another its just so tiring to see almost everyone attacking some group everyday. Its so mentally exhausting to hear that you should die or your friends should die bc of being white/black/etc or cis/trans or gay/straight/bi/whatever else. Like dude just because i fit whatever category youre talking about doesnt mean im automatically evil or just bc im something that nothing bad can happen to me too. It just sucks that we live in pure ignorance with little people willing to talk about things rationally. Also get annoyed by justification of shitty behavior because of also fitting a specific category. Oh well, no use in trying to change the whole world and other peoples shitty actions. Just better to keep to yourself and work on yourself. As much as i love some of my people im gonna be cutting off everyone i know for a bit i need to recharge. mentally speaking im just so drained and i cant be around anyone anymore without feeling depressed or angry or like nothing is real. Im so tired. I just want to sleep. Sometimes this is all so overwhelming and i feel like i can trust anybody and my internal dialogue is screaming at me everyday. It’s so hard to get out of bed. I dont feel alive anymore. Im tired of being numb. I dont know how much i can handle anymore. I know i need to talk to someone but i dont trust anyone enough to talk about whats going on in my head. I dont know how much longer i can keep holding my nose above water. I feel like im sinking. My chest is so tight. My muscles dont want to move. I feel so crippled. I dont know what else to say anymore
YKNOW
sometimes this shit gets old like cmon man why my head still gotta be like this sometimes like its super rare but it makes no sense im at oeace but at the same time like bruhh
shit is not always easy let me tell you
if i wasnt so scared of lying on a govt form my ass would be in the military rn lmfao i have been so fucking depressed its insane
those two statements do not correlate^
i just wanna get even hotter to spite everyone like just go all out and get all my tats i was and get a nice toned back and core and be like 😘 and just keep to myself but real shit staying motivated is so hard bc let me tell you today i kept having repeating dreams with some shit in them that id rather not write and last night i was going thru memories (and for some of them i noticed how blind i was at times like bruh) to find some dumb photo of my eyes only shit then heard some lyricist on YouTube go along with some dudes fresh composition and dude it brought back this huge flashback of memories and it hit me so hard i had a moment of weakness and got minorly drunk (thankfully i cut myself off before i couldnt stand) cuz like i wanted to cry but real shit i havent been able to cry in like over a year now unassisted it sucks like im trying to be more in touch and honest with myself as i grow so i know where to focus. i wish it was easier sometimes but shit isnt always easy ive known that since i was a child. i wish my concepts werent fucked up so i could date again like real shit i know im not ready im completely over everything but mentally im not ready for another person i have too much work to do on myself first. idk man i guess ill see and figure it out i havent wrote in a while but i cant sleep so i needed to dump my brain somewhere
